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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29300934">Sometimes The Worst Place You Can Be is in Your Own Head.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unsanctifiedgod/pseuds/Unsanctifiedgod'>Unsanctifiedgod</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abandonment, Albino Senju Tobirama, Anbu Hatake Kakashi, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, BAMF Hatake Kakashi, BAMF Senju Tobirama, BAMF Tsunade (Naruto), BAMF Uchiha Sasuke, Blind Senju Tobirama, Blood Loss, Buried Alive, Creepy Orochimaru (Naruto), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends, Gen, Good Akatsuki (Naruto), Hanahaki Disease, Heat Stroke, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Kid Hatake Kakashi, Kidnapping, Konohagakure | Hidden Leaf Village, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Minor Injuries, Missions Gone Wrong, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Orochimaru Being an Asshole (Naruto), Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Uchiha Madara, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Senju Tobirama Needs a Hug, Sleep Deprivation, Survivor Guilt, Uchiha Itachi Being a Good Brother, Uchiha Itachi Lives, Uchiha Izuna Lives, Uchiha Madara Has Issues, Uchiha Sasuke &amp; Uzumaki Naruto Friendship, Uchiha Sasuke Has Issues, among other things, i cant do that, im not going into detail about the scene, trigger warning</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:22:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,773</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29300934</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unsanctifiedgod/pseuds/Unsanctifiedgod</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sasuke angst<br/>Kakashi angst.<br/>Tobirama angst</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Haruno Sakura &amp; Hatake Kakashi, Haruno Sakura &amp; Hatake Kakashi &amp; Uchiha Sasuke &amp; Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura &amp; Uchiha Sasuke &amp; Uzumaki Naruto, Hatake Kakashi &amp; Maito Gai | Might Guy, Hatake Kakashi &amp; Nohara Rin &amp; Uchiha Obito, Hatake Kakashi &amp; Uchiha Sasuke, Hatake Kakashi &amp; Uzumaki Naruto, Hatake Kakashi &amp; Yamato | Tenzou, Senju Hashirama/Senju Tobirama, Senju Tobirama &amp; Senju Touka, Senju Tobirama &amp; Uchiha Izuna, Senju Tobirama &amp; Uchiha Madara, Senju Tobirama &amp; Uzumaki Mito, Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Izuna, Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Madara, Uchiha Itachi &amp; Uchiha Sasuke, Uchiha Sasuke &amp; Uzumaki Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Restrained</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Sasuke wakes up restrained<br/>Takes place while Sasuke is with Orochimaru.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sasuke woke up feeling foggy, like their was cotton in his head. Most likely a sign he was drugged, considering he never feels like his head is made of cotton.</p><p>He tried to recall what lead up to this moment, remembering arguing with the snake about not making any progress of gaining strength and power. The snake was pissed about it and the next thing he knows is that black spots are filling his vision, and then nothing.</p><p>While going through his memories, he didn't hear the snake, or kabuto enter, he did notice when the snake slid up next to him, smiling creepily while in the background kabuto stood there with a clipboard smiling sadistically. It was then Sasuke noticed that he had no control over his limbs, he tried moving his arms, finding that he couldn't. He tried to look to see but found he couldn't move his head either, it was now he realized that he was restrained to a table, there were restraints on his neck, wrists, and ankles. </p><p>He realized the snake had been talking but he couldn't focus on that, not when he was in such a vulnerable position, where anything could happen to him and he wouldn't be able to fight back, not when he was feeling desperate for anything to happen where he could escape, not when he was feeling suffocated, not when he couldn't see if someone came up behind him, he was left open, anybody could come in and he wouldn't be able to stop them. He was feeling humiliated, he was frustrated that his mouth got a head of him and got him in trouble, now the snake was going to punish him. </p><p>"Now Sasuke, for your punishment, you are gonna stay here for a few days, no food or water. This will make you stronger, it will test your capacity to not eating or drinking water, while also testing your endurance. Won't you be a good little boy and endure your punishment for me?"</p><p>"It's not like I get a choice" he mumbled under his breath.</p><p>Apparently that was a bad move, as the next thing he knows his is head is sideways and there's a stinging in his cheek.</p><p>"Now, now Sasuke, its better not to talk back to me."</p><p>With that, he and kabuto leave the room, closing the door behind them. Sasuke is now laying there on a table in the dark. He tries his best to dissociate through most of it, he doesn't want to feel this vulnerable, or scared, he will never admit it but he wants his team with him. He wants to see Narutos bright smile and hear him boast about him being the next hokage, he wants Kakashi there to read his crappy book and totally not pay attention to anything they do while still making sure they are safe, he wants Sakura there to make fun of Naruto. He doesn't want this silence, this endless silence, where his thoughts can easily go out of control, and madness takes over you. </p><p>He tries counting the seconds, eventually getting to minutes, and then after what feels like forever he gets to hours. He continues counting as a way to pass time. He shouldn't think about his team, the same team who he left behind, in a selfish journey to get stronger, the same team who he had built bonds with, who he went on missions with, who he chose to spend his time with, then eventually betrayed them.</p><p>But he can't regret that now, not when he already betrayed them, he just has to get stronger and kill Itachi, and avenge his clan, then he can go back to his team, he hates to admit it, but he does feel bad leaving them behind, but the compulsive need to get stronger and gain power to kill Itachi was stronger than his bonds with his team.</p><p>He spaces out for the next two days, coming in and out of his head, but ultimately staying in his head to think, to pass away time, to get rid of the feelings of being scared and frustrated, to slow his breathing so he doesn't have a panic attack, because only weak little boys have panic attacks and he can't be weak if he wishes to kill Itachi and avenge his clan, but the feeling of being suffocated is stronger, and his breathing grows heavier, and spots fill his vision, and he tries to think of his team, or of a time back before the massacre, but ultimately that makes him sadder and angrier, so his thoughts go back to his team, to his time going on missions with them, to spending time with them, before he left them and betrayed their trust and tired to kill them.</p><p>He comes back into himself halfway through the third day and realizes he's hungry, and his throat is dry and he really wanted water, but he needs to get stronger and so he endures, he endures the pain of being hungry and the pain of being dehydrated, the pain of an empty stomach, the pain in his chest, the weight on his chest that makes him feel suffocated, the tingling in his fingers, and the numbness in his feet, the sweating in his hands and the coldness in his feet. He realizes its anxiety, but he doesn't want to admit that he's feeling anxiety, he wants to deny it, because that makes him weak and he cannot be weak if he wishes to avenge his clan and kill Itachi, so he slows his breathing, he moves his feet to slowly get the numbness out of them, he stretches his hands to get the tingling to stop and he brings his mind to think about better times.</p><p>He feels like everything is worthless, he feels like his team never liked him, he doesn't want to wake up, he wishes the past 8 years were a dream, and that he could wake up and see Itachi as his older brother that he once was, and that he could still be with his team and that he would never run off, but he knows, deep, deep down that this is reality and he cannot change it because it his fate, but he feels like he's drowning and everyone around him is swimming and no one notices that he's drowning and that he's all alone, but he knows he's not drownings so why does he feel like that? </p><p>Now he's angry, he's angry with himself, he's not supposed to feel like this, but he can't help it, now his muscles are tensing because of his fast mood change, and now his flight or fight is reacting but he doesn't know why, all he knows is that he was angry and now he wants to run or attack something but there's nothing there and even if their was its not like he can move, but that thought just makes him panic more.</p><p>He wishes he could just go to sleep and never wake up, but if he does that then he can't kill Itachi or avenge his clan, so he cant do that but maybe after Itachi is dead then maybe he can rest forever, but he feels helpless like nothings worth it anymore, he doesn't want to get stronger anymore, now he just wants to rest, and see his team one last time, to make sure their okay and then he can rest.</p><p>Shaking his head, or what little he can move, he clears his mind, coming back to reality, the reality where he's restrained to a table, a cold and uncomfortable table, where he's in a room that's dark, where its hot, and his hair is making his neck sweat, where he smells cause he's been steadily laying in his own filth for three days, he's hungry. and lightheaded because he hasn't had water in what felt like forever but he knows is just three days, his back is hurting along with some of his muscles cramping since he's stayed in the same position for a while now, he wonders how long the snake is gonna keep him in here for.</p><p>His skin is damp with sweat, he feels disgusting, like he needs to scrub his skin off to get the grime off, but he can't move se he just deals with it.</p><p>He's caught up in his thoughts, so he can't focus on his current state, but he is aware enough to notice the snake comes back in.</p><p>He doesn't listen to a word the snake says, only wondering if he's here to comment on how disgusting he is or if he's here to let him out, he hopes its the latter since he wishes to take a shower and scrub his skin clear.</p><p>Apparently the universe is done fucking with him, and the snake is here to let him out since he takes off the head restraint, going to the wrists and then his ankles. He sits up slowly to prevent himself from becoming more lightheaded and to prevent from showing weakness, he stands slowly, keeping his face carefully blank to stop any discomfort from showing, he walks slowly and shakily to the door and past kabuto, slowly to his own room, and closes the door, he makes it to the bathroom and takes a shower, scrubbing his skin clean, and ends up sitting there, letting the water fall from his head, feeling numb about everything, he doesn't know why he's feeling numb, he can't describe why, but he blinks slowly and realizes he's sitting on his bed, he wonders how he got here. He doesn't remember moving, but he can tell no one besides himself has been in here.</p><p>He decides he spaced out, and just got up and got dressed. 

He lets his thoughts drift, while laying down on his bed, he used to think it was uncomfortable but at this point anything is more comfortable than that cold metal table.</p><p>He lays there, on his bed staring up at the ceiling, he can't fall asleep, he knows that he's gonna have uncomfortable dreams. He won't call them nightmares, because that would be admitting he's weak enough to have nightmares. He stares up at the ceiling, there's nothing interesting happening there, he just thinks its a comfortable spot to stare at, he doesn't want to fall asleep, he knows he should because if he wants to get stronger he will need to get some sleep, but he just can't simply he can't. He knows his body is tired, but his mind is working to fast to let him fall asleep.</p><p>He could get up and train for a while, but his limbs feel like lead, so he lays on his bed instead, he can't think straight, his mind is going in different places to fast for him to comprehend, he wonders if he's finally lost it. But he couldn't have because nothing happened, nothing bad happened to him for him to finally lose it so he decides he's just tired.</p><p>He stares at the ceiling at what feels like forever but he's not sure, but eventually his eyelids fall closed due to the exhaustion of staying up for three days. His mind is finally slowing down enough for him to sleep.</p><p>He thinks of his team, and what they must be doing, Naruto is probably still with the sannin and eating ramen, Sakura is probably still working at the hospital, and Kakashi, well he's Kakashi so he must be reading his stupid perverted books in public, or doing challenges with that green weirdo.

He doesn;t know why but a small smile shifts onto his face, he decides he must really be losing it if he is smiling for no reason. 

He is still laying there on his bed but now he has decent thoughts going through his head, instead of the usual 'kill itachi' 'the massacre' or anything he deems bad in his head.

</p><p>He drifts off with the thoughts of his team on his mind, thinking back to better happier times.</p><p>He is gonna work on not speaking his complete thoughts aloud again.</p><p>All he can hope for is that he doesn't get anymore punishments. He would hate to be restrained again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. kidnapped</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Kakashi is 8 when he finds himself in a cave, tied up, after all the Hatake have many enemies, and since Sakumo is no longer around to hurt, that leaves himself. He knows his teammates Obito and Rin must be looking for him, he has no idea why since the mission comes first. He knows Minato must be worried, since he's always worried.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Constructive criticism is welcomed, since I am a new writer, and I want to fix any mistakes I might have missed, and make this story more enjoyable.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kakashi wakes up feeling like he was knocked out, which was funny because he doesn't remember being knocked out. But he supposes that would make sense that if you were knocked out that you wouldn't have seen it coming, but still, he tries to calm his racing heart as well as the nausea in his stomach at the thought of being captured, he knows panicking will get him nowhere as well as the questions 'who captured me' 'why did they take me' 'what are they gonna do with me' so instead he focuses on finding answers to those questions, deciding he needs to know where he is to plan an escape so he looks around briefly to see if anyone was in the room, his hands are tied behind his back, uncomfortably so, it feels like the weight is pulling on his shoulders making them ache, so he can't do any jutsu, but lucky for him and sometimes not so lucky, he has a strong sense of smell. So he breathes in, and smells dirt he coughs a little at the strong smell, and sweat which could be him or maybe someone around him, but he also smells a faint scent of musk which is about 1/2 kilometer away, promptly proving his idea correct that someone is in this place with him.</p>
<p>He tries to think about what happened before, then his face turns red when he remembers, he feels embarrassed and angry, since their mission was easy, just a simple information gathering mission, and he managed to screw it up.</p>
<p>Missions went sideways all the time. Especially when in times of war. It makes it no less embarrassing that he got captured.</p>
<p>He and his team had been sent out on a information retrieval mission, simple, but not so much, they weren't expecting to get ambushed by Iwa ninja, and he had said they should finish the mission, but Obito being Obito wanted to retreat and try again another time and Rin agreed with him, but, the mission comes first so he went ahead anyway.</p>
<p>And... That's why he's in this mess, he knows Obito and Rin will try to come and get him, but he also knows they shouldn't, the mission always comes first, its shinobi rule, those who break the rules are trash, and he will not be like his father.</p>
<p>He knows its his own fault he got caught, he should've thought more logically but he really just wanted to get this mission over with. Now here he is, sitting in a cold room, the walls around him are stone so he's most likely in a cave, and he is tied to a chair that's bolted to the ground. He knows he isn't escaping anytime soon, so he tries his best to look around or find something to do. He looks to the ceiling and sees a small hole, light shining through along with a small steady drip of water, so that means he's most likely underground in a cave near a source of water. Which is good since the spot where they were supposed to retrieve the information is near a water source, so there's a 5/6 chance that they might find him.</p>
<p>But he can't think about that now, he's a chunin, an adult in the eyes of law, so he should be able to find his own way out, or withstand whatever they plan to do to him.</p>
<p>With that he resigns himself to his fate, because a good shinobi does not complain, he simply endures and does his job. </p>
<p>Kakashi can't help but feel nervous, of what might happen, or could happen, he reads a lot so he knows that anything could happen, anything along the line of physical torture or psychological torture and both of which have long lasting side affects, and theirs's also the possibility of sexual assaults', they say they use that method as a way to humiliate their captives. He cringes at that thought, he really hopes they underestimate him like other people commonly do. He's also feeling very frustrated and angry that he got himself into this mess in the first place, he should've been better, even Obito couldn't have screwed up this bad, but he did, so that only proves the villagers right that he's gonna be the next white fang, that he's gonna start a war. The villagers are always right, we live to protect them, so when they call you useless, you are, you must've done something to prove to them that you were.</p>
<p>Bringing himself out of his thoughts, he sat in silence for a while, his body shivered and he felt hot and cold and clammy, but he shoved past his panic, shinobi did not panic, they did not show emotion, so he clamped down on his feelings and forcefully shoved them away from himself.</p>
<p>The hours passed by slowly, so slowly, eventually through the small hole in the ceiling, Kakashi could see the sunlight go down, it's been 6 hours since he's been gone, and no one has came to check on him. They must not think him a threat, probably since his small size and if not that then his age.</p>
<p>As if summoned, a guy came in, he had long spiky brown hair, though it looked greasy like it hadn't been washed nor brushed since most of it was matted, and he was easily around 180cm give or take, he had some muscles to, but he didn't look all that threatening, not as threatening as some of the things Kakashi's seen, he smelled of dirt and mud, blood, and sweat. </p>
<p>"I'm Ankoku, nice to see your awake, now if you don't mind telling me, why were you in this part of the forest, which happens to be in our area" The guy- or Ankoku said.</p>
<p>"..."</p>
<p>"ah, not a talker I see." he said, taking on a sincere tone "I guess I'll just have to make you brat"</p>
<p>The guy snapped his fingers, and suddenly two big burly guys walk in, one holding a pair of pliers, while the other holds a couple of kunai, a belt, a rag and a bucket of water. </p>
<p>So far he did not like the sound of this, but he knew realistically that he had no chance of escaping, so he would at least die with some dignity of serving his village and not dying a traitors death. The man continues to stand there, looking likes he's waiting for something, probably for him to break and beg them not to doing anything and spill his guts. He won't do that.</p>
<p>Ankoku kneels down to his height, maybe to appear less threatening? he moves to unchain his arms, which is a stupid move considering as soon as his arms are unchained he's making a justu, but before he can complete any Ankoku grabs both his wrists and squeezes, it hurts, but he will not let out a sound, he knows he will eventually but he wants to make it more annoying for them.</p>
<p>"I see you will be a difficult one to crack, no worries we'll figure out what makes you tic and destroy it" He moves his arms so that their resting on the armchair and then ties his wrists their, he flattens out his hand and then snaps for the guy holding the plier to hand it to him. Kakashi feels a brief sense of panic at being restrained and unable to move, while being vulnerable, </p>
<p>Kakashi doesn't like this, they pull out the first one, and he bites his lip to avoid screaming out, he knows he must've bit through his lip as he tastes something metallic, but he simply can't process the pain of that when theirs's the pain of someone pulling your nail out excruciatingly slow to make you feel it more deeply, it feels like someone is setting fire to his nerves, he know that nails grow back within a 6 month time period, but he can't wait that long if he makes it out, and it's not like he's gonna be able to train or take any missions considering, pulling out a nail messes up your grip, and you have to be able to have a grip on a kunai to throw it, as well as how painful it'll be if he tries to make any jutsu.</p>
<p>Ankoku moves onto Kakashi's next nail, his middle finger, pulling the plier slowly, making sure Kakashi really feels it. </p>
<p>Kakashi tries his best not to scream but on the first finger on his second hand, he screams. He feels absolutely humiliated, the deep sense of shame curling in his gut so fast it makes him nauseous. </p>
<p>He continues screaming, and by the end his throat is raw, it feels scratchy, like he just screamed his throat raw, which, oh yeah, he did, and his eyes are watering, and that makes him feel even more shame, and frustration burns up through the shame until all he can feel is anger and hate at himself for being so weak, but its no surprise he feels this angry considering he broke two shinobi rules, Rule #25. "A shinobi must never show their tears during a mission." and "A shinobi must never show any weakness.", on top of that the skin on his face is irritated because his mask is wet. He is not supposed to cry, that fact makes him angry with himself. he must be weak if he can't stand having his finger nails pulled out.</p>
<p>Ankoku sets the pliers aside, looking Kakashi in the eye and pausing a moment. As though looking at Kakashi will give him all the answers he needs, though it takes him a moment, Ankoku continues.</p>
<p>"You can stop all this pain, all I want to know is why you were in the hidden stone village when this is clearly not your territory, and we can stop all the pain but you just have to cooperate." Ankoku says, adopting a sincere face, its blatant emotional manipulation, using pain as a tool to get someone to comply by using peace as a way to get them to talk. Kakashi knows this, he's studied it in case a situation like this ever happened, he's glad. If he didn't know this, he's afraid he might've been stupid enough to fall for something like that. As if the pain would stop, they would probably just kill him after he talked anyway.</p>
<p>They haul him out of the chair, the two big burly guys holding each of Kakashi's arms to drag him into another room, a room with a table.</p>
<p>They shove him down, holding his wrists and strapping them into the belts they brought to prevent him from moving them, it's uncomfortable having leather rubbing his skin raw, that's also when he registers the swelling pain and rawness of the area, ignoring his inner monologue he zones back into himself in time to realize that they're continuing onto his feet, doing the same with shoulders and waist.</p>
<p>Ankoku puts a rag over his face, and Kakashi's face, or what little shows of it, is suddenly pale white. He knows what they're trying to do, water boarding. It's a technique used to copy the feeling of drowning, the same suffocating feeling, and the helplessness. By pouring water on the captive, who has a piece of cloth on their face, they should be tilted to a degree laying flat on their back, then when the water pours through the cloth and that goes into your nostrils and into your sinuses.</p>
<p>Kakashi takes a deep breath, right before he no longer can, before the cold water hits. His books were correct, because it really does feel like your drowning, but his books didn't say holding your breath wouldn't work, because it's not working, the fact that water's being poured over you, coupled with the fact that you can't breathe, triggers this instinctive fear of 'oh shit, I'm drowning' and 'I cant breathe'. And apparently holding your breath doesn't change either of these two things, making it where you can't breathe, which fun fact is not fun at all.</p>
<p>After a few seconds, that honestly felt like hours, Ankoku lifted the rag, and turned his head, Kakashi was then able to get the water out of his sinuses, he was able to breathe without that instinctive feeling of drowning.</p>
<p>He tried his best to dissociate through it, but that flight or fight feeling mixed with adrenaline and feeling like your drowning keeps you in the current moment which sucks.</p>
<p>They continued this, them pouring water over the cloth on his head, and him feeling like he's drowning and dying. Him feeling helpless, he wants his Otōsan, but Sakumo is dead, and even if he wasn't he's still a traitor, so that makes him even worse for wanting his Otōsan.</p>
<p>Finally enough was enough, and they must've got bored since they decided to stop, they unchained him, he would've done something but his limbs were simply to heavy and felt to much like lead to actually put them to good use. Or put up a fight at all.</p>
<p>They kept him in the same room, just moved the table, and chained his wrists to the ceiling, pulling it so that he was barely standing on his feet and that he was put most of his weight between his shoulders and feet. Ankoku started off with a kunai, simple and all, he stabbed Kakashi in the gut, in a place where it didn't hit anything important, and where he wouldn't bleed out, it hurt. Kakashi wanted to scream it felt like a burning fireball was shot into his gut, it felt like he was being stabbed, which oh yeah, he was, but he couldn't not when his throat was already raw from the nail pulling, and where his throat was dry by the water boarding. He yelped every time Ankoku stabbed him and twisted the kunai. His eyes watered every time he was punched in the gut, but he couldn't help but be happy that their not doing anything that would cause permanent injury, or would impair him from doing his job. </p>
<p>Kakashi didn't even know if he would make it out of here but if he did, he would have a hell of an interesting story to tell.</p>
<p>So far, Ankoku had kept a cool and calm façade, but the less sounds Kakashi made the more he got frustrated, and he got damn right angry when by the end, when Kakashi was bleeding, and bruised and right on the edge of unconsciousness, that he still didn't crack, or start begging for them to stop.</p>
<p>"You damn Brat!, How have you not Given In! Most people wouldn't last this Long! I will not Lose To a 8 Year Old!" Ankoku had finally lost his cool, getting angry that he was being outpowered by an 8 year old child!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ankoku charged at Kakashi, pulling his shoulder until he heard a satisfying pop which mean he pulled it out of its socket, causing a whimper to be let out, Ankoku smirked sadistically at that, grabbing his left wrist and twisting it till he heard a crack, Kakashi yelled at that. Ankoku was taking pleasure in Kakashi's sufferings, not caring that he was hurting a kid.</p>
<p>Kakashi is filled with the shame, the shame of getting himself into this position in the first place, he should have listened to Obito for once, and never went off on his own, he knows this will have lasting effects, impairing him from training, and probably making him stay away from water, but just the thought of water makes him cringe, and clench his fists which brings a bright flare of fire on his nerves, Kakashi feels shame at the fact that he allowed himself to be this vulnerable, he was supposed to be an adult not cry like a baby, and he wishes he would spill the information to end his sufferings, to at least give him time to rest, to heal, to get some sleep since he hasn't slept in the last 2 days and then adding to the last 7 hours spent here. He's tired, and everything seems like a dream, a really nasty dream, but a still painful dream where he wishes he could give in, and he hates himself for that thought, that thought would end up hurting his village, his home, the place he swore to protect if he actually went through with it. Kakashi knows that Ankoku is trying to prove he has power, to prove that if he gave in then the pain would stop, and Kakashi knows that but he is also stubborn and won't betray his village like his traitorous father.</p>
<p>Kakashi feels acid at the back of his throat, he starting to fell numb, but he can't bring himself to care, he knows he should stay around to pick up on information but at this point he's to tired to do that.</p>
<p>While he still feels numb, he feels overwhelming sadness, the type of sadness that adds a weight on your chest, that makes it difficult to breathe, that makes your vision blur with the onslaught of sudden deep sadness, but he doesn't know why, he knows that he felt a tang of disappointment in his chest when he realized he would never make it out of this alive, but he doesn't know why he feels this sad.</p>
<p>At this point he can't hear anything around him, theirs a steady ringing their in it's place, he can see himself from a distance, he can see the chains be let down, he can see himself falling to the floor, but he can't bring himself to care. He watches Ankoku lose his shit, narrowing in on the guys around him, yelling at them, and saying stuff he can't comprehend but from the look on their faces it can't be any good, his vision starts to blur, and a thought drifts in softly that he's slipping into unconsciousness in enemy territory, but he still can't bring himself to care.</p>
<p>Before black spots fill his vision, a sudden flash of light flashes in front of his closed eyelids, and though he doesn't open his eyes, he knows the aura and smell, it smells like sunshine and rain, flowers and cinnamon, fire and storms. He knows deep in his subconscious that its his team, Minato, Rin and Obito, he smiles faintly at the thought his team came for him.</p>
<p>The black spots continue to fill his vision until theirs nothing there anymore</p>
<p>And throughout the journey back to Konoha Kakashi wakes up, he's delirious  so he's not fully present, and you can't really comprehend what he's saying, but Minato can tell that from the look in his eye, through the fog and incomprehension, that Kakashi is grateful they came to his rescue.</p>
<p>...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Later on Kakashi wakes up, he doesn't open his eyes, he stays still to analyze his surroundings, though it's a little difficult through the fog, he knows he's home, can feel it in his bones, and smell it around him, the lemony scent, and the sterilizer, he's in Konoha's hospital, and from the scents around him, his team is there to, Minato on his left and Obito and Rin on his right.</p>
<p>He opens his eyes, glancing around, deciding on Obito to antagonize, "dobe" and smiles at the fact Obito as well as Minato and Rin jump at the sudden noise. Obito starts arguing with him calling him 'bakashi' saying that what he did was a stupid move and complaining about all the work it took to get him back, Kakashi replies back with something sarcastic, while Rin joins in adding to it, making Obito flush bright red. Minato just looks at him, with that look that says their gonna have a talk later, but also communicates that he's glad he's safe.</p>
<p> He's glad he's home. He will never admit it aloud but he missed it, the playful arguing between him and Obito, the sarcasm between him and Rin, and the teacher-student bond between him and Minato.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Self Abasement</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Self Abasement.<br/>voluntary self punishment in order to atone for some wrongdoing.</p><p> </p><p>I feel like this describes Kakashi a lot, cause he is very self punishable, and would fault himself for something that is not his fault. Or at least that's what I believe.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It hurts like hell.</p><p>It hurts like hell, the pain, the heartache.</p><p>It hurts like hell, staying alive for the people around him even though he himself don't want to live.</p><p>It hurts, feeling suffocated, after every mission he takes, after every death he experiences, after every fault because it was supposed to be him, but someone jumps in front of him, like rin she jumped in front of his chidori and he couldn't pull back in time and its all his fault, its all his fault, its all hi-</p><p>It hurts. He wants it to stop. To wake up one day with the pain gone, without the heavy feeling, without the nightmares, without wanting to stay in his bed all day even though he has his responsibilities as a jounin sensei.</p><p>He knows he's not much of one, he's failed his students to much, one left, two followed. He was never a child, so maybe its not his fault he didn't know how to train them like children- No he should've known better. He should've done his research as soon as he found out he was getting students, or played the bad guy and trained them cruelly, maybe then Sasuke would've stayed, if Kakashi was a good enough sensei. Maybe he could've prevented him from running off if he had just talked to him more, or trained with him more. It all his fault and he knows.</p><p>He knows it his fault so he skips breakfast, taking solider pills instead, its his punishment for all his wrongdoings, he doesn't try to get himself killed in battles, but if a stray kunai he failed to miss cut him pretty deep, then who was he to blame. After all its his fault everything goes wrong. He's useless and he's gonna end up exactly as Sakumo, though he might've forgiven him through time, that doesn't make up for 20 or so years of being alone, of having to grow up at the age of 6, making decisions a 6 year old should never have to make, okay so maybe he's a little spiteful but still. Sakumo should've never left him alone. Though maybe it was because Kakashi wasn't good enough for him to sta- no, he knows Sakumo, knows he couldn't handle the hate, and the whispers, he knows Sakumo just couldn't handle the pain, or the burden or every villager. </p><p>And Kakashi understands this, has been through it himself, the only reason stopping him from becoming like his father, is he doesn't want that reputation falling on someone else, like his students or comrades, or anybody precious to him. He can't do that to them, even if the slightest chance of him not being in pain anymore. He would always chose people over himself, because that's what good shinobi do, and he is a great shinobi, trained from the age of 5 to become a prodigy.</p><p>He will not kill himself, he might not dodge sharp objects sometimes, but that's not his fault, he's just getting old. He would die for his comrades, so he would never let something bad happen to himself.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>But then Pein attacked, and he attacked brutally, destroying everything around him, killing so many innocent people, his people, people of the village. </p><p>It hurts.</p><p>It hurts because he should've been faster to prevent those deaths, but he can't focus on that too long because he is currently fighting Pein himself.</p><p>He knows he won't win, never thought he would, he just wants to buy enough time for his students, he needs them to be safe, he needs his precious people to be safe.</p><p>He can't focus on other things, this battle is serious.</p><p>But he so badly want to give up.</p><p>To end his pain, because it hurts to much, he wants it to stop, he needs it to stop, he can't handle the guilt of all those deaths, the deaths he caused. If he were never born this never would've happened, everyone would be fine, he wishes everything were fine.</p><p>Because he cant deal with this, he needs Naruto to survive, to become the villages hero, to prove them all wrong, that he's not a monster. He will become Hokage, Kakashi knows it, Naruto can do anything, he just has to believe it, and he does, everyone who has had an encounter with Naruto knows hes brave, he's strong, he's a bright ball of sunshine, he's the light in the dark, even though he himself was raised in the dark. He needs Naruto to survive.</p><p>He needs Sakura alive, bright, pink, happy Sakura, Sakura who now has Tsunade's influence over her, who is becoming angrier all the time, but no longer stands back and lets people treat her like trash, Sakura who is gonna become the best medic, Sakura who is gonna run the best hospital. Sakura who is pining over Sasuke, no matter what he puts her through. Sakura needs to survive, he needs to know that those beautiful green orbs stay shining, and not dull out like a lot of his comrades, like himself.</p><p>Like Sasuke. Sasuke. Sasuke who is angry, who wants revenge, who is hurt, who deep down is still that little 7 year old who found his whole entire clan killed by the one person he idolized, the person who has tormented him, become the source of all his nightmares. Sasuke who, deep down, knows the path he is going on is not correct, but is to deep within the web of lies created around him to see the bright light, to find the person worth living for, or with. Sasuke who is so much like himself it frightens him, he sees himself in that boy, it's why he tried to hard to bring him on the right path. He needs Sasuke to come back, become the stoic Uchiha he was, not the vengeful, full of hate teen he sees now.</p><p>He needs his team to stay alive, needs their hearts to stay pumping, blood circling through their body, air in their lungs, light in their eyes, he needs them their. Because if their not, their his last light in this cursed world, a world full of pain with these 3 bright sparks that light it up, make the world worth living. He knows. He knows he's attached, but they remind him of his old team so much, and he cannot stand to see them turn out like his team, Obito in Naruto dead, Rin in Sakura dead, Sasuke in him, but he's not dead.  He needs his team to stay alive.</p><p>He knows he's not much of a sensor, but he's smelled them hundreds of times, and as long as he can smell them he knows their alive, he knows Sakura is alive and well, and Naruto is alive, though he smells angry and in pain, Kakashi knows he will make it through. He's way to tough, to much like Kushina to die. And he knows in his heart Sasuke is alive, because he would've felt if one of his pups died. He would feel it in his heart, in his head, in his throat. He would feel if one of his kids died. And so as long as he knows they're alive. This is a fight worth fighting for.</p><p>So he continues on, Choji and his father joining the fight, or more like they have to. Pein to strong for any of them. He tries his best, to protect his comrades, he needs them alive, because if they are not alive. Then no one is around to protect his kids, or guide them the best they can, better than he ever could. </p><p>He knows he can't win, he knows. Which is why he's not surprised when he blacks out. He comes to.</p><p>He comes to. </p><p>He comes to, and it hurts.</p><p>He feels suffocated</p><p>And he can't move</p><p>Why can't he move, why can't he move his arms, or his legs, or anything, he can't move. Everything is so heavy, and he's tired, he doesn't want to move because it hurts to much. </p><p>His head hurts, feels like theirs fog in his head, feels the ache in his bones, feels the heaviness in his heart, knows the acceptance he feels. And knows its his time.</p><p>He knows it his time. He's done everything he could to help raise his kids, but he has to let them do the rest their selves, he has to let them find themselves and make their own paths. Let them do it without him, because they don't need him. He was just an obstacle to overcome, a lesson to learn. He's fine with that.</p><p>So he accepts the hand he's been dealt. He knows its his time, can feel it in his eyes where they pound, in his stomach where he's nauseous, in his body which feels heavier every second. </p><p>He's scared, he's scared, and he has no one here for him.</p><p>He can feel his heartbeat in his ears, its so loud, beating heavily, fast, maybe to fast.</p><p>He's scared. He's not ready to go yet.</p><p>He's scared, because what about his kids, they need someone to watch over them to make sure they don't make stupid mistakes.</p><p>But he knows, they can do that themselves.</p><p>But he's scared. </p><p>And it hurts. It hurts so much, he just wants to close his eyes. </p><p>But he's worried about about what will happen after.</p><p>He's tired.</p><p>He's hurt. </p><p>Because living so long on the will of others is draining, living so long seeing people around you die constantly is draining, trying his best, yet he still feels useless is draining, because those thoughts don;t go away. Wanting to die, doesn't go away either, it stays, it lingers, it creeps up on you when you're finally happy. Those thoughts stay, and every reason why you shouldn't slowly disappear until all you have left is yourself, and your thoughts. And Kakashi thinks being left along with your own thoughts is torture, since he can't deal with the guilt. Guilt, and guilt,, deaths and deaths that add more guilt since it should've been him to die not his precious people. </p><p>He's tired, he wants to give in.</p><p>Because it hurts, he lost so much people, he's killed so much people, and he's tired, he's lived long enough. He's said his goodbyes in his own ways. He's ready.</p><p>It hurts though. </p><p>It hurts, because he can't breathe, and his head hurts. His vision is getting blurry, and he thinks of Tenzo, funny and kind Tenzo, he wonders what will happen to his little kohai, he hopes nothing bad.'</p><p>He wishes for his team, for his family. Since he once said the whole in your heart is filled by those around you. They filled his, made him consider living. Gave him light in his darkest times, and so he wishes them the best of luck on their journey of life. He wishes they never get lost on the road of life like him.</p><p>And even though it hurts, and hurts. He feels his vision go black and his thoughts stop.</p><p>He takes a final breath, and lets it out.</p><p>He doesn't breathe in another after that. Will never breathe another breath again after that, will never open his beautiful stormy eyes, will never stand crouched over again, will never read his stupid books that he somehow manages to read, he will never see his students smile again, he will never hear them talk, he will never sense them. But he's accepted that. It's his time to go now. </p><p>-</p><p>And though it hurt.</p><p>It hurt a lot. A hell of a lot.</p><p>It hurt like hell, but now it doesn't</p><p>Kakashi is no longer in pain. He doesn't hurt constantly, and he's not stressed.</p><p>And though he may have thought nobody would miss him, tons of people grieved that day.</p><p>Naruto among them, raged, screaming into the void, begging Kurama to bring him back. He was like a father figure. Being there for him, not treating him like a monster ever. Training him, and sometimes paying for his ramen after training. Konoha should've done better</p><p>Sakura crying, trying to stay strong, but her feelings to strong to hold them back. He was like a brother to her after all. Being there for her when she was destressed after fighting Sasuke. Being there for her when Naruto was to much. Konoha should've been more prepared.</p><p>Sasuke when he got the news, went and destroyed a few villages. He's mad, angry, raging, Konoha should've protected him better. But now he's gone. His older brother. Kakashi. He was like family, relating to the stuff no one had been able to before.</p><p>Tenzo, stared, refusing to believe his sempai was dead, gone, no alive. He was like a brother to him, he saved him from root, brought him into anbu and gave him a better life. Konoha should've known, should've known how self sacrificial he is. They should've been there to stop him.</p><p>Gai, and Kurenai, Iruka and Tsunade grieving in there own ways, Gai doing challenges, punishing himself for not being there for his rival and protecting him, Kurenai in knowing she lost her brother, the person who helped her acknowledge her feelings for Asuma. Iruka staring far away, with tears streaming down his face, he liked Kakashi, he always cared for his students, not showing it in the way people normally do, but in small little gestures. Tsunade drinking away her grief, losing two precious people she loved, she viewed Kakashi as a sort of son, he was always self sacrificial, always willing to throw away his life for the good of other. Stupid self sacrificial bastard. They all knew Konoha itself wasn't to blame, but if they treated their shinobis better, then maybe, maybe prodigies like Kakashi and Itachi wouldn't throw their lives away, wouldn't martyr themselves.</p><p>They all knew, everyone. That a great warrior was lost that day. But he shall rest in peace.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I don't really like how I ended it, actually I might go in later and change it. If anyone has suggestions for any other chapters I do, please leave a comment since I'm losing prompts to write with.  Have a good day or night, and yeah.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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